I arrived at Blue Lake agitated. Agitated, irritated, scared, anxious, worried, my mind all bundled up like a ball of snakes with thoughts about how awful, how unjust, how unfair our situation was. All the above fueled with the high octane energies of anger and the cooling energies of sadness as day by day a piece of my heart that held the ideal of fairness and justice broke apart….Little Bob and all within that believed in fairness, and justice for all was being daily assaulted by a “neighbor,” who long ago learned the pleasure of inflicting pain and hurting others.
I was seeking refuge. Sanctuary from the pigs and the flags and the noise, the smells and the constant relentless cold and calculated malevolence emanating from our eastern “neighbors” which was the motivation for the urgent need of my partner and I to sell our dream home and get the hell out.
My intentions when I drove to Blue Lake were to escape my woes by peering through a camera lens, hiding beneath my dark cloth, lost in the timelessness of moments and returning with one, maybe two strong images of color and light. And I saw straight off that this was simply not to be. Nope. Not gonna happen. Not as long as I’m stuck in my mind with all the above. Not gonna happen as long as I chose to cling to all the variations on the theme of “wanting life to be different that what it is.”
If I wanted to photograph at all I knew I had no other recourse but to fully arrive at Blue Lake and doing so required that I sit my butt down, put thoughts of photographing aside, and take care of myself. To take the time and look inwards with a curious and kind lens towards myself. That I take time attending to the scared, anxious, fearful, worried parts of myself. That I awaken to the awareness of the depths of the human heart. So I plopped down on a gentle hill on soft grass, close to a full bed of flowers wind blown wildly about and paid attention to actually arriving at Blue Lake.
Sitting on the hill side on a pleasant summer’s day, my arms loosely wrapped around my torso hugging and holding and providing shelter and security for my heart to allow itself to be gently explored and gradually my heart began to soften, my breathing more relaxed and easy minus all the stresses real and imagined and as my attention moved into this body and looked around, thoughts began to fall away and the channels of intuition grew clear.
I can only do what I can do. I can’t take all this on…I gotta lay my burdens down. And in that moment the universal experience of having no choice but to surrender and put upon a power bigger and stronger than me became real – became my reality in that moment – and so I did. Not by choice as I don’t recall coming to any reasoned decision or using my head at all. It simply seemed that the heart in me simply knew – the body of me intuitively understood and together letting go simply happened…….Freedom ensued and now I had fully arrived at Blue Lake and now I could see the garden free of the clutter of confused mental energies spinning tall tails and unlikely “what if” scenarios in my mind.
As my mind cleared, the light broke through and Blue Lake appeared.