Today I awoke with a sore shoulder which set in motion, irritation that turned to agitation which then ignited story fragments, of which all were projections of future doom and gloom and worry about our financial security, as Karen’s retirement looms. As if on cue, old and familiar whispers of shame and guilt arise and of course the ever ready to throw “pie in my face” voice that says “YOU will never be enough, YOU will never have enough,” once again there was great clamoring and otherwise making themselves obnoxious and holding firm to a ” we, won’t be denied” insistence to be heard.
I heard them as kindly and patiently as I could and tried to wrap things up by inviting them to hang out but they left with a sour, disgruntled face only to return momentarily as that part of me who is for ever doubting that others actually love me and see me, and honestly accept me as I am, including my xxy and intersex quirks, and who likes to go looking for reasons to cast aspersions towards close others and justify anger so as to block out my simple desire for their presence.
Today, I was grumpy and out of sorts until I finally listened to the wisdom of my body regarding my shoulder and how to care for it and allowed myself to take the time to carry that wisdom forth culminating in making an agreement with my left arm that it would do “its share of work today.” And that work included photographing at Blue Lake.
Today I changed my driving position so as to lead with my “headlamps” and was able to hang my left arm out the window and today, I officially gave up Atkins bars and felt no gnawing hunger.
Today as I stood at the gateway to the cathedral and it’s sacred spaces, I could not speak of “me” or “I” or “human being,” today I was speechless today I could only be a point of light.
Today I realized that when conditions are such that only a very few flowers actually bloom, each flower becomes more precious, and how that’s how it is as we age and discover that life is fragile and all to quickly fades.
Today, I remembered how it was once before the coal smoke and the pigs came that I was learning to still my mind so that I might make a photograph of a flower within the instant of its own stillness.
Today I was reminded that I pretend and delude myself into thinking that there will always be time – and – today I was also reminded of something Minor White used to say that” “spirit waits long enough for the photographer she has chosen.”
Today I came across thoughts I’d written down for Soul Force in response to their work to “sabotage Christian Supremacy,” and as I read what I had written, I found myself awakening, once more, to the spaciousness of beginner’s mind, and from within that space I heard it said that when loving hearts open there is no binary. Our hearts have no inherent gender or sex and the gardens in our hearts contain nothing we need to hide or feel ashamed of within.
Tonight we read the Pocket Pema Chodron and the lesson I picked said all that I was trying to say only with more pithiness and brevity. See page 95.