, , , ,

And no sooner did I hit “publish” of my last blog entry then I found myself in the bathroom playing around with the Testosterone dispenser and before I knew it and without all the fan fair some part of my histrionic side had cooked up, I had taken my first “hit” of T.

That was back on 10/5 and since then I have taken 4 mg of testosterone via cream per day and its nows day 9 and I have 36 mgs of man juice circulating in my body.  In my bones,  in my blood and down deep in my bowels, up in my mind and settling in my heart becoming impulses racing through sinew and muscle over lung and around bends to type these letters forming these words.  So far, I think maybe the smell of my body and the smell of my pee might be changing.

Today, my partner shared with me an experience she’d had this past week with one of her interns.  The upshot of it is that where she would normally feel guilty for being harsh with this person, she realized she was not.  Which led to to ask “who am I without my guilt?” A flash of jealousy went thru me followed quickly by an acknowledgement of all the hard inner work she has been practicing since Cody came along and made her life and mine, nearly intolerable. Once the fury of Cody subsided gentle joy arose in my heart that her work and dedication has brought her much liberation and freedom.  And then we shared a relaxed meal, a good walk and quality time together.   Shortly after returning home, I found myself back on the road to Blue Lake and to the Dahlia’s and back into the rhythm of my own spiritual practice. And it came to me that I too have also become liberated and set free from some old conditioning.

Coming out – marching June 23 proudly as “just an xxy/intersex kind of guy.” liberated me from shame.   “Who am I without shame?” Who is my partner without guilt?  What will I be made of tomorrow?