June 23, 2018. Pridefest parade in my chosen community. As I’ve written elsewhere, on this day my partner and a dear friend marched in the local Pride parade wearing shirts proclaiming my being an XXY/Intersex kind of guy. That day, something was set in motion – an action – an intentional action of love and compassion occurred. Our action and intention sent energies into motion that have continued to weave heartful mindfulness and awakening into stitches of healing.
As I quickly learned, marching in the parade and coming out that day in that way was a necessary step in a journey filled with new steps….this journey of learning to love self requires me to love all of self and I know, I know, I know, everybody knows this is said to be true and all and still…..and still its not an intellectual thing, it’s not an intellectual knowing that brings the light and the truth. I don’t know that one can understand how to love themselves until they are ready to do so – until they are ready to let go of the wars in side.
I think there is an age related dynamic to the ability to see how love and taking care of one’s self that people don’t – that I didn’t start to “get” until it was time for me to do so.
I also think there is a magical quality to learning to see as Dumbledore spoke of in telling Harry that “magic always leaves a trace and lays down a path that one might follow.”
Metaphysics aside, I can’t afford to be at war with myself anymore. What I’m taking a long time to say is that coming out was an acknowledgement of my truth and perceptions, and my identity as an XXY/Intersex human being is moving me towards fuller acceptance of all that I AM. This movement is one of love and compassion and wisdom and inclusion and liberation of expression. This movement is one of softening and of seeing others with the eyes of our heart. Seeing others with the eyes of my heart I begin to see ways to call people in rather than simply calling them out. I begin to see ways to be present and available, of ways to be in the moment and in the body and the heart.
Softening arises from being vulnerable. Softening arises as I open to all of myself excluding no part of who I am and welcoming the feminine in whatever expression or form they might take, and keeping my heart open to listening to the new voice I have discovered – the voice that speaks from the point that is neither male nor female….a nascent part of me that I’ve felt stirring for some time but have been unable to pin down and name. My softening to myself is happening because I am making peace with myself. Laying down my arms and accepting myself. Reaching a point of knowing that as surely as I have a beautiful noble heart, that there is nothing missing from me and that I am/we are/they are enough.