It’s New Year’s eve and nothing comes to mind to write about. I just feel that I need to write. We’ve been snow bound or house bound these past five days starting in Albuquerque and now here in Hermosa. We have spent the days in peace and with ease with each other. In two days, my partner for life and I will honor our 38th year of being together. It’s been the ride of a lifetime so far. Tonight we watched Rich Crazy Asians and both shed a tear or two at the ending. She’d read the book but I had not. It was actually nice to watch a movie where all the stars and others were Asian and not white. After the movie we made our bed, climbed in and read a passage or two from Pema – our nightly ritual of 1 picking and 1 reading from a selection of teachings drawn from Asian experience, Asian cultures.
Just prior to the big Christmas Hurray, I had been graced with a visit and a chance to buy a friend a cup of coffee, when Ina, a fellow ferry person returned to town after a year hiding out in Germany. Ina is complex entity who currently describes herself as existing in a “state of goo.” A sleek, powerful, bird of prey comes to mind when I think of Ina. Her wanting to see me was the gift this holiday and she shared from the heart and was received in kind and a beautiful day became even more so after saying goodbye.
I continue to take testosterone every day dutifully and will soon graduate to 12 mgs per day, which is, by all XXY standards, pathetically low but which will be, for me, an increase of 50%. Jude, my doc said my T levels wouldn’t be worth testing until March. While munching sunflower seeds the lower portion of a dental bridge broke off. There is no pain as the tooth is not real as so few of my teeth are. That particular bridge is at least 20 yrs old so its getting time when things like cars and bones and bodies and artificial teeth start falling apart. All forms of life are impermanent. The friend dying in her bed, the crown lying in a cup living truth.
One of the qualities I will miss when the levels of T in my body reach some sort of functioning level and all masculine systems are go, is the innocence, purity and guilelessness of that part of our human hearts which does not perceive through a film of hormonal coloration. That part of me is present currently and I am sensing it starting to fade back into the shadow. I don’t believe it is a trait I can take off and put on, rather I believe it is a quality of being free of all hormonal conditioning and input. And, I wish to continue both to help the healing of my shoulder and build up some strength but also to track what T does….I am experimenting on myself.
Soon I will turn 69 and will start looking back and letting go of the 60’s as I move on down the road. Down the road in New Mexico I dropped in and visited with the second wife of my friend and archetypal mentor – Jerry K. He died 18 months ago and for the past 20 years or so had been hanging out with Gail. I took chocolate and Gail brought out her authentic self and the time with her passed as easily and as fruitfully, as past times with her spouse.
I continue to sense the awakening of that part of my heart that loves and softens when she speaks with flowers – that soft spot felt in our hearts when we are moved and our everyday mind momentarily silenced, as mine once was when I contemplated flowers. I need to get back to the garden and I wish to return to the practices of beginner’s mind and seeing from the heart as I once knew how to do before the malignancy moved next door.
My partner is asleep and I will join her shortly, our atoms will mingle and i’m pretty sure that when we are both gone that 1 or 2 of our atoms may continue to stay in orbit a while longer. She will retire this summer and then our new lives will begin. We are not rich and we are not poor and to finance our stay in this neck of the woods, both of us will need to continue working part time for a few years. A nice thing about being late bloomers is that both of us want to do that. She has the juice for therapy and I wanna start teaching real time for real and showing others how to lay down a path.
I think all of this unfolding has been brought along by the ripples I set in motion 7 months back when I said “yes” to coming out in the parade.
I think on that note I will post and go to bed.