Every morning these past two days we have awoken with a ball of knotted fear in our stomach. It is an old, familiar fear but the clenched and balled like a defiant fist showing up in bed in our belly, is new. The fear is of not having enough. Not having enough money. We stay with this fear when it arises as best we can. We don’t push it away but we can’t as honestly say we have invited it too unwind and sit a spell, either. In due time, the fear leaves of its own accord and if it remains clenched and balled up all the time, we do not know.
We needed some “Robert” time, we needed to sit on the ground and watch the light flicker and dance upon the many colored shapes we were taught to know as “flowers.” We continue to look for gardens and dappled light flower spots close by but when our need for sanctuary and simple time simply observing arises, we head out to Blue Lake where we are consorts of the garden.
We found some shade and some spots of light that lighted up the imagination of lil bob and set to play. But we did not play – we did not engage eye and mind with heart and light and find or some image that made our hearts dance. We tried, we could not – could not quite sink into that space of receptivity and silence that our creativity rejoices in. We could not. Thoughts of not having enough continued to roam in our brain triggering worst case scenarios and best of the best fantasies come true in the months and years to come.
We found some shade and spots of light that lighted up our imagination but quickly forgot our desire to play and became absorbed instead in our need to fantasize about all the ways we could have become wealthy beyond our dreams if only we had done X instead of Y. And that’s what we did till the thought dawned on us that: we could be anyone – we could be a multimillionaire sitting anywhere in the world and we would not know it as long as we remained lost in the swells and streams of the mind swirling around our fears and drowning in our worries.
Knowing we could not see as long as our mind was caught up with its stories and fantasies of being rich – being poor – of having enough / not – of being enough of not being enough of whatever everyone else has plenty of and the not of this or that and all the other knots……we bind ourselves in….and paying attention to our body – our mind opens doors.